The S Word


A term that describes my state today is “unglued”.  This, despite several therapeutic lunches and dinners with my friends for the past week.
 
Last night, I tried practicing some piano pieces for Fr. Geoffrey’s Recital but stopped after repeating the same mistakes for almost twenty times.  My piano teacher, Mama, agreed that it was probably just an off night.  “Artists and athletes have those”, I explained to her.
This morning, I cried all throughout the Charismatic mass.  I was not a member of the Catholic community that sponsored it so I felt nobody would remember me sniffling all throughout, from Opening to Closing song.  God could hear me, I could sense His presence, but I just stared back at Him.  What could I say that had not already been said about my situation?  
After mass, I was at my usual post as money counter after the mass, but I felt like I was the world’s worst counter.  I mean, I love the Pondo ng Pinoy project of our diocese, but the sight of all those twenty-five centavo coins made me dizzy and Fr. Steve had to repeat counting some of the rows I neatly piled.  

Then I drove for my parents and nephews to Serendra this afternoon.  I committed several driving booboos and after a third driver honked at me for straddling two lanes out of indecision, I said out loud, “Yes, I know I’m being stupid.”

Luigi, my 11-year old nephew, looked at me and said, “No, Tita Ella, you’re not stupid.”
And just like that, I wanted to hug him, my saint of a nephew, who once said that “I think everybody should love everybody“. But if everybody loved everyone else, this would be Heaven already.  That’s why there are people we cannot love and people who cannot love us yet.  We are still on Earth.
Luigi doesn’t read this blog so I can very well say the S word here.  That’s another apt term to describe me nowadays:  Mighty Stupid. Yes I’m being hard on myself. You’d think by now I’ve learned. I played a game I couldn’t win. I don’t even like games, so what was I doing in the first place?
I’ll just sing.  This ought to summarize what it’s been like.
Out of Reach
Gabrielle
From the Bridget Jones’s Diary OST

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You’ll be out of my mind
And I’ll be over you

But now I’m
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There’s a life out there
For me

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