I consider time at car service centers better spent elsewhere (a parlor or a spa, for instance). Last Monday, I had the car tires checked due to frequent problems I had had with them.
After reading all the motor vehicle magazines available and getting bored to death, I thought of all the other things I would rather do at that moment, like dancing (to the beat of the songs Karreen compiled for me to exercise with) or sleeping. It was another rainy Monday, after all. I remembered that I needed a massage, a facial, and a pedicure, but I couldn’t get those services from within walking distance of the tire shop. I just imagined I had enough money to start a business, and thought of opening a shop that provided pampering services for women while giving the best services for their cars.
I knew it was not an original idea, and I did find several shops online that gave that combination of services, abroad. Hmmm. While reading up on my brilliant but, alas, unrealized, idea, I also ran into this joke, which already made the rounds of egroups a few years ago.
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
(1) Pull up to Service Center when it is time for your next oil change
(2) Relax in a massage chair with a glass of wine, soda, coffee, or cappuccino while reading the latest Magazine or working on your laptop.
(3) 45 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle where the fluids have been topped off, car has been washed, tires rotated, and courtesy inspection completed.
Oil Change: $34.95 (non-synthetic oil change)
Wireless access: FREE
Glass of wine, soda, or coffee: FREE
Courtesy Inspection: FREE
Massage in chair: FREE
Total cost of peace of mind knowing your car is maintained: PRICELESS
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
(1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00
(2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
(3) Open a beer and drink it.
(4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
(5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
(6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
(7) Place drain pan under engine.
(8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
(9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
(10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Bleep!
(11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
(12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
(13) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
(14) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
(15) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
(16)Drink a beer.
(17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
(18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
(19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
(20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
(21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
(22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
(23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
(24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
(25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
(26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
(27) Drink beer.
(28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
(29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
(30) Drink beer.
(31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
(32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
(37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
(40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
(42) Lower car from jack stands.
(43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
(44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
(46) Test drive car.
(47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
(48) Car gets impounded.
(49) Call loving wife, make bail.
(50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee: $75.00
Total: $4165.00 — But you know the job was done right!